I wish I could teleport
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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