im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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