she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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