He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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