booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
