I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize