clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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