1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
my mouth tastes like poor choices
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
