I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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