You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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