just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
