Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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