you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Randomize
