I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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