my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
