I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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