I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Randomize
