so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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