Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
