So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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