Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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