My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
