Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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