I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
