awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
