the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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