happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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