I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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