It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
