dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
