Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
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