Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
