I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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