Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
