when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
