i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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