and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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