i need an iv and a liver transplant
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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