woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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