The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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