it hurts more in the daytime
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm passing your future prison.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
