I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
