Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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