My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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