The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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