My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
