I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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