I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
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