My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
