My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize