I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
