I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
