The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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