Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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