Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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