My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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