I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
