dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
