Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
