I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
